Hi everyone! How are you? My name is Kerri, and I am a 20-year-old girl. I know there are a lot of posts on here about eating disorders and weight gain, bit I still need help with my own personal problem and fear. I am sorry that this is so long, and I hope no one will judge me or anything. I am not looking for pity or criticism. I just need someone to listen and talk to because I don’t really have anyone else. If you can listen and help me, thank you so much. I appreciate it more than you know.
I am 5’4″ and weigh around 78.4 pounds or so. I know that is considered underweight, so I would like to give you some background information. I have always been skinny my entire life, although I never felt like it. Everyone always told me I was, and at certain times, people were even concerned that I had an eating disorder, when I did not. I just never had a big appetite and wasn’t a big eater. At the same time, I also ate whatever I want, which was candy, junk food, and desert. I never used to like fruit or vegetables. I was always concerned about getting fat and always wanted to stay skinny. When I began college in September 2007, I moved away from home. I was in Maine, which was about an hour and 20 minutes from my home. I became friends with girls, who were all of average weight, but were always talking about weight loss and what you should and shouldn’t eat. They made me feel very nervous about everything that I ate, so I became even more conscious about gaining weight. I didn’t stop eating though. I just ate like I normally would, but probably even a little less since the food wasn’t very good, and sometimes, I would have to skip meals and stuff if I didn’t have anyone to go eat with or whatever. I think I lost a few pounds during my freshman year. I was around 95 or so at that time. Then I came home last summer and told myself that I really needed to watch what I ate because I was worried that since I would now have access to food whenever I wanted, that I would just eat and eat. So I began cutting my calories, but not by too much, and I started running about a half of a mile every morning. I also did ab workouts, which was nothing new for me. I have been doing those since about age 14, so it’s nothing strenous. I was losing weight during the summer, and when I went to the doctor’s in mid-August, I was down to 89 pounds. My doctor and mom were both very upset. I secretly was happy and proud of myself and felt like I needed to lose more. So then when I moved into college again this past September (2008), I really began counting my calories and worrying about everything I put into my mouth. I had lost my boyfriend at the beginning of the summer, and when I moved into school, I had lost all of my friends. I was so alone and miserable. I have also been terribly shy, quiet, and soft spoken my whole life, so I get depressed easily and have a very low self-esteem. I have always thought very negatively about myself and my appearance. Anyway, starting in September, I was always alone, had no one to go eat with, so I just studied from the time I woke up until the time I went to bed. I started eating as little as possible. I would eat anywhere from 400-700 calories a day from about October until December. For Christmas, I moved back home for good because I decided to transfer to a college close to home because I desperately missed my mom and grandma since they are my best friends. When I came home, I was still eating very little, but then I would be so hungry that some days, I would have huge binges. I would never throw anything up or get rid of anything in any manner. I would just feel extremely guilty and be consumed with the fear that I was going to get fat. I would have about 3 or 4 days a week when I would starve myself, eating only about 500 calories at the most, and then the other days would just be eating a ton. I would be so hungry that I felt like I couldn’t stop eating. I thought I would start gaining a ton of weight from that, but I didn’t. I remained at 76 pounds with that habit until about this March. I kept trying to get out of that eating pattern, but it was so hard. I had to change things a little about a month ago because I was having horrible heart pains. I started having them while at schoool in Maine starting in November, but they would come and go, so I just ignored them. However, about a month ago, they began intensifying and wouldn’t go away. I made myself go see the nurse at my college, and she had me go have an EKG at the hospital. They didn’t find anything wrong, but I have a couple of more tests this week. For the past month and a half, I have been trying to eat a lot better. I have whole grains, skim milk, 2-5 servings of fruit everyday, vegetables everyday, and a piece of chicken or a sandwich with sliced chicken every night. I am still only eating close to 1,000 calories while doing my ab exercises for 15-20 minutes twice a day

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