Please Revise My Personal Statement. 10 Pts. Just Tell Me What You Think. Be Honest !?

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QUESTION:

Throughout my life, I have always had dreams of becoming a successful person. In my opinion, the word success is defined as being able to accomplish your goals despite the obstacles you’ve been through. The most successful person I know would be my mother. My mother has managed to raise me into the person I am today. She has taught me that regardless of what I do in life, my education should be my first priority. Education is the ticket to success, and I did not realize that until I was half way through tenth grade. Throughout the first year and a half of high school, my grades were about average. I did not feel as if I had a reason to work to the fullest of my potential since my mother is single, with a low paying job. I always thought that I would never go off to college because she could never afford sending me. Miraculously, one day the conversation came up. “So, Diane you’re becoming a junior this fall, do you at least have an idea of what you would like to study in college?” She questioned. Countless thoughts were running through my head. I answered back and I said nursing. I have always dreamed of becoming a nurse, since I love to work with people. “But how are you going to pay for it? college isn’t cheap.” I said to her. At that moment it never came to mind how much I should appreciate my mothers actions. Without hesitation, she will pay as much as she can out of her pocket and my grandfather will pay for part of my tuition as well. I felt ecstatic and whether I was going to go to college or not, I concluded that I should of tried my best during school no matter what the situation was. During that summer, I did some research. I was always aware of Seton Hall’s great reputation for an excellent school and nursing program, but I wanted to check out other aspects of the school. The diversity amongst the student body attracted me the most. Since I am from Jersey City, diversity is something I am used to, especially in my high school; where the student body represents more than 70 countries. So throughout my Junior year, I did my best which helped me to be on the Honor Roll three times that year and it brought my GPA up. Now that I am a senior, I am taking a couple of rigorous courses such as AP Biology and Pre-calculus to prepare me for college. Next semester I will be taking Anatomy and Physiology so I will be a little prepared for the nursing program. Personally, I am ambitious of becoming a nurse and I have the potential to become successful.

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megs??? on December 29, 2009 2:02 pm
maybe wrap it up a little more at the, restate your thesis kind of. towards the end you went a little punctuation crazy so maybe revise that. take out the personally at the end of the paragraph , and separate the whole paper into maybe two or three paragraphs to make it more fluid. it was very good though and good luck! hope i helped

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Please Revise My Personal Statement. 10 Pts. Just Tell Me What You Think. Be Honest !?

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