Boyfriend Hasn’t Proposed Still. What Should I Do?

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QUESTION:

My boyfriend and I have been together 3 years now. He lives in Colorado and I live in Arizona. I will be starting my nursing program here in Az in January of 2010, but I’m slowly starting to resent him for not proposing, especially since early on in our relationship everyone always thought it would happen.Why hasn’t he proposed? He lives in an apartment on his own and makes a decent amount of money. I have mentioned it to him and it got him upset because he didn’t feel he had to just because everyone else was, etc. Yet we basically act like we are husband and wife while I’m there, then I come back to Az angry because I know we aren’t even engaged. Should I chill out and wait until I’m done with nursing school? Which would take 2 years…I’m starting to think that if I am not engaged sometime in 2010 I should end this, because I can’t take it anymore. A lot of my anger towards him is because of this. We are both African and in our culture its not even normal for people to date 3,4, or even 5 years. It’s ridiculous. I always thought people in those types of relationships should split..but now I’m in this type of relationship. So angry…and he keeps trying to persuade me to do a nursing program in CO but why would I if he hasn’t even proposed… Any advice would help.

18 Comments so far

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sunshine on December 14, 2009 4:39 am
I’d tell him just what you feel and see what happens. If things don’t change soon afterward I would separate and start looking for a new guy. Three years is plenty and if you feel you aren’t happy how things have gone then that should be indication enough to him you need more. Why go on living unhappy with a man who doesn’t have it in him to commit to you unconditionally?

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Just another Avatar on December 14, 2009 5:25 am
It would probably help if you lived in the same city (not necessarily living together), that is probably why he’s not ready to commit yet. Getting married and suddenly living together after being apart for so long is a huge transition, and can be quite a shock. I don’t think it’s fair to expect a proposal if you are not even in the same city.

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Trixter2 on December 14, 2009 6:23 am
my best friend was with his highscool sweetheart for 20 years and then he proposed and got married and they are a wonderful couple together with good family values
maybe he is not ready if you push him he will resent you. Be greatful for the fact he loves you so much should be enough and no marriage paper in the world can make that love more stronger

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muzz81 MJ gives me butterflies on December 14, 2009 6:26 am
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
Good god
I laugh at these people who are complaining after 2,3 or 4 years together.
I waited 7 years for my hubby and let me tell you it was so worth the wait. we basically lived like a married couple too. When you get to 7+ years, then you can start whining about it.
Seriously…..

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marieffp on December 14, 2009 6:28 am
Yes I think it’s been long enough…especially if you two are in your mid 20’s or so. I’m 27, i’m giving my bf 1 yr, after that i’m not waiting. It’s time to start a family, we don’t have years to wait!!

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Ellie on December 14, 2009 7:05 am
Leave him. If he has shown no intuitive to marry you by this time its time to move on and stop wasting your time. Once you leave he might figure out what he lost and come back wanting to get married if not you made the right move.

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iyamacog on December 14, 2009 7:50 am
Concentrate on your nursing career. Then attempt some HONEST COMMUNICATION, as to what you both expect from your relationship. Perhaps you’re both wasting your time…..??

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JILL on December 14, 2009 7:51 am
Yuo guys should llive together first…that is the only way you will really know him and know if you can live with him for the rest of your life.

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Betty M on December 14, 2009 8:29 am
It sounds like he wants everything to be his way. Why do you have to pull up roots and move to CO? Why can’t he be the one to move and start over?
Where are you suppose to live if you move to CO? At his house? I wouldn’t even consider living with someone who doesn’t want to marry me.
After 3 years of dating, if your boyfriend hasn’t made it clear to you that he wants to get married and wants to make a future commitment to you. Then I would have to believe that he really doesn’t want to get married and he wants to keep things exactly the way they are.
I personally would tell him that this relationship isn’t going anywhere and it’s time we go our separate ways. You should find someone in AZ that wants to be in a serious relationship and make a future commitment and he should find someone in CO who just wants to get laid.

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HilA on December 14, 2009 8:58 am
He might want you to do a nursing program in CO, so you all can live together. Some men are taught that they should live with somebody before they are married to see how they really are. Maybe that’s what’s going on. Maybe you should take that step, and it will show him that you are willing. And he just might take that next step into your alls relationship. Showing that your making a effort, might help him.

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Supermom on December 14, 2009 9:05 am
Did you ever think maybe he wants you to do nursing in CO instead because he wants you to be closer and thinks that it’s weird to propose to someone who lives so far away and isn’t going to even be around on a regular basis for the next 2 and a half years. I think if you want to see what he is really wanting to talk to him and consider moving to CO. I don’t see really why you want him to propose at this point when you are in another state about to start a nursing program that takes two years. How are you going to get married living in two different houses and different states living different lives? You wouldn’t be able to live together for at least 2 years and then plan a wedding after that so you are looking at dating for another 2-4 years anyways with the plan you have.

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Sara W on December 14, 2009 9:11 am
I think you should wait until you are through with nursing school to make a decision about him. I went to a two year nursing program too, and a lot of the girls left boyfriends and husbands once they became graduate nurses and were independent and making good money. Does he know that you want to be engaged? Some men are very, very clueless. If things are going along well he might not feel a need to change it, regardless of his heritage.

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NCR on December 14, 2009 9:11 am
It doesn’t take three years for people to know if they want to marry the person. After a year and he hasn’t proposed he probably doesn’t want to. If a guy doesn’t want to commit after 3 years he probably doesn’t want to be wit you long term move on. Obviously you’re not happy in a relationship with someone who is willing to wait five years after being together to propose. Find a guy who is ready and willing to commit. This guy is just stringing you along. You owe it to yourself to be with someone who is willing to commit before half a decade has passed. Also don’t pick up your life for someone who isn’t willing to say what they want and could lead you on. Obviously you want to be married, don’t pick up your life when all you might get is a live in relationship that is only beneficial to him.

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ogkmquee on December 14, 2009 9:38 am
If I were him I would be wondering if marriage to you is really something that I wanted. If you are getting this mad at him just because he hasn’t proposed yet, then of course he’s not going to want to get married to that. Don’t you want him to propose to you when HE wants to? Isn’t that the whole point? If you pressure him and get angry at him for it then it’s only going to make things worse.

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MISTY on December 14, 2009 10:14 am
My husband and I dated for almost 5 years, 4 before he finally proposed. I gave him an ultimatum; I told him if we didn’t take this relationship to the next level, I was done. I told him I loved him, and I wanted to be his wife, and we lived together, there was no reason we couldn’t or shouldn’t get married. 2 weeks later, I was engaged. Doesn’t work for every body, you have to be prepared to call it quits if this is what you do.
Ultimately, you need to do what’s best for you. Ever heard the saying, why buy the cow when the milk is free? If he’s wanting you to do the nursing program in CO, ask him why should you uproot yourself, if you’re just “dating” him? Tell him you need more of a reason to move to another state.
But you need to talk to him about the marriage issue, it will eat away at you until it’s solved one way or another. Not fair to him or you. If he says he’s not ready, ask him why? What would have to happen for him to become ready? I was really pushy with my husband, and it did push him away some, so I don’t recommend that. But do talk to him, he may have reasons you haven’t considered. Make sure whatever it is, you can work through it together.
Oh, and you can go to nursing school and be a wife.
Ask yourself this too, Do I want a wedding? Or do I want a marriage more? That could be one of his issues…a wedding.

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CamM on December 14, 2009 10:32 am
Are you in Africa or America? Hmmm, then maybe the “rules” have changed. Who cares what goes on in Africa? YOU two are now in America.
Force him into an engagement/marriage and I can almost promise you a divorce. Why do women think the world starts and ends with marriage and kids?? It doesn’t. You only get married when you BOTH think it is time, not just the woman! Wise up!

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jennifer on December 14, 2009 11:28 am
You have a right to your feelings. You think you should be engaged at this point. Plus he seems kind of callous if you bring it up.
Try this – DON’T act like you are husband wife when you are with him. Be too busy to go. Someone has something going on, or there is a class you need to take. He is taking you for granted. Why marry you if he is getting what he wants anyway.
This may work. But the bottom line is – he is not taking your feelings seriously. And playing with you a little bit. Red flag. You know him better than anyone, but be cautious here.

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friendly on December 14, 2009 12:22 pm
on the one hand, i totally agree with you that you shoudn’t get in the program in CO b/c there’s nothing concrete in your relationship. BUT. if he doesn’t propose, then it’s not the end all, be all. if he proposes, nothing in your relationship will be any different than it is now. and i promise you that if you keep trying to pressure him into marriage, then you’re gonna lose him. back off and let things progress in their own time.

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Boyfriend Hasn’t Proposed Still. What Should I Do?

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